Naruto Porn Story: Ring, Ring!
“Hello?”
“Hinata!” A voice slurred on the other side of the line. “Wazzap?”
“Naruto-kun!?”
“Sakura hates me!” The boy exclaimed without warning.
Hinata wasn’t expecting that. “D-don’t say that! I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.”
“Yes!” Naruto moaned, “Yes she does! She’s a Sasuke whore, anyway! Everyone looooooves Sasuke! He’s such a douche! You know what, Hinata? You fucking know what? I hate that prick! I really do! He can just go die!”
“Naruto-kun…”
“God, I miss him so much!” He sobbed, “And he’s gone, Hinata! Goooooooooooone!”
“But you just said…”
“I didn’t mean it! I love Sasuke! I love him even more than Sakura! He’s the best guy I’ve ever met!”
“Ah…”
“I’m not gay!” Naruto said quickly, “I didn’t mean it like that! Sasuke’s my bestie. He’s like my brother. Fucking Sasuke would be like fucking my brother. Ewwwwww. Except I don’t have a brother…”
“A-alright,” At this point Hinata was very confused.
“I’m talking waaaaaay to much. Here I’m just like, ‘Blah, blah, blah…’ and you’re probably just like,” He made a lengthy snoring noise. “You must be sooooo bored! What do you want to talk about?”
“Um… Why are you calling me?”
“Oh! Oh! I just remembered! Lee says hi!”
“What?”
“And so does Sai!” He exclaimed enthusiastically. “Hey, you wanna talk to them?”
“I don’t-“
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Hinata!” A new voice cut her off. “Naruto and I are currently expressing our youthful-“
“Lee, I don’t think you should be talking to anyone in your current state,” She faintly heard a calm voice in the background. “Give me the phone.”
“Hell no! I-“
Thunk!
“I apologize for them,” The formerly background voice said into the phone. “I took Lee and Naruto out for some male bonding, but I didn’t know Lee was so sensitive to alcho-“
“Shut up, Sai! I wanna talk to Hinata!” There was a loud crackling noise in Hinata’s ear as there was a struggle for the phone, then Naruto’s voice came on again. “Sai’s such a loser. He needs to get laid.”
Lee shouted his agreement.
“Sai is white. Seriously. He’s like, so white he’s black. It’s scary. He’s like, albino,” Naruto said with a dead seriousness to his voice.
“Naruto-kun?” Hinata tried asking her question once again. “Are you going to tell me why you called?”
“Because you’re hot!” He said as way of explanation. It actually wasn’t an explanation at all; but Hinata was so shocked that she didn’t notice this and was unable to speak as Naruto continued. All she did was yelp and feel like she was about to have a heart attack. It’s a miracle she didn’t faint on the spot. “Seriously, your boobs are huge! They’re, like, as freakin’ big as Tsunade’s! I don’t know why you cover them up all the time. Sakura’s totally flat. If you wore something sexy instead of those fucking jackets maybe guys would actually wanna feel you up. Half the guys already do and just don’t do anything because they know if they every screwed you you’d just cry. Okay, not half the guys. Just Kiba. No, not Kiba. Kiba isn’t afraid you’d cry. I think he’d fuck you anyway. Actually, I don’t know why he hasn’t tried yet. Oooooooh, maybe he has! Hinata, has Kiba ever tried to do anything scandalous to you?”
During this semi-monologue Hinata’s face had been getting hotter and hotter until not she could feel the sweat between herself and the phone. She knew Naruto was expecting her to answer him, but all she could manage was a high-pitched noise from the back of her throat.
Apparently Naruto either took that as a ‘No’, or the question had been half rhetorical, because he rambled on, “No, he wouldn’t. Kiba’s too cool to be a rapist. Or maybe he’s not cool enough to be a rapist! No. That wasn’t nice. That was a bad thing to say. Rape is bad. Rape is a way to hurt people. I shouldn’t have said that about Kiba. Kiba’s cool. He has a dog. He has a ninja dog! How kick-ass is that? A freaking ninja dog! Ninjas are ninja. I wish I was a ninja.”
“You are a ninja,” Sai informed him.
“Holy shit, that’s right!” Naruto yelled, almost blasting Hinata’s eardrums out. “I totally forgot! I was distracted by… What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Kiba wanting to nail Hinata! I know Kiba isn’t the only guy who wants to eat Hinata’s pussy. What other guys do I know? Uh… There’s Sai and Lee. Well they’re gay, so they don’t count.”
“I am not gay! All my youthful urges are reserved for Saku-“
“Then there’s Shikamaru and Chouji. They don’t really know you. Shikamaru’s too lazy to get off his ass and get some. Chouji’s such a fugly fat-ass he would probably do it with anyone who would let him. Poor guy. He’s never gonna get any. His birthday’s coming up. Maybe I should get him a hooker.” Naruto covered the receiver and turned back to the two guys he was with. “You guys wanna buy Chouji a hooker?”
“Chouji’s mean!” Lee whined. “He slapped me when I said they didn’t make spandex in his size. He’s just jealous because he wanted some spandex, too…”
“Sorry, Naruto,” Sai insisted, “But I think it’s a no-go on the hooker.”
“Fuck you guys! I’ll get him a hooker myself, then!” He took his hand off the receiver. “Hinata, remind me to get Chouji a hooker. I wonder if Ino will do it if I pay her enough. Chouji’s fat. He always says he’s not, but he sooooooo is. He shouldn’t be all denial-y. He should just accept it, you know? I mean, if I was fat I would just be like, ‘I’m fat, bitches. So, suck it!’ He’d be happier with himself like that. And… yeah. That’s why Chouji’s fat. I’m glad we settled that.” There was a pause. “What was I saying?”
“You were listing off people who wanted to have intercourse with Hinata,” Sai reminded him helpfully.
“Oh yeah! ‘Kay, there were these two fags with me here. They’re a total no. Then Shikamaru and Chouji. We were just talking about them. I know! Maybe Shikamaru would bang Chouji! He’s kinda a whore already.”
“You’re going to forget what you’re saying again, Naruto,” Sai warned.
“‘Kay thanks, Sai. Then there’s your team. We already established that Kiba wants your ass. Shino probably does, too. I bet under all his cool, aloofityness, he’s horny. I’ll bet you he’s horny as hell. Who else? There’s Lee’s team, but that’s just Lee and that girl with the bunny ear things on her head. Oh, no wait, Neji’s on that team, too. He probably wants you, too. Yeah, he probably- Oh no, wait, he’s your cousin! Aw, that’s sick, man. That is nasty. That’s like… interbreeding and shit. That’s nasty. Ew. Wow, I know a shit load of people. Did I say all of them? There are the people in the other villages, but they all suck anyway.”
“Naruto,” Sai interjected again, “Did Hinata hang up on you? You’ve been talking nonstop for a while now.”
“Eh? No way! Hinata wouldn’t hang up on me! Hinata’s nice! You didn’t hang up on me, did you, Hinata?”
“N-no,” She managed, already half dead from Naruto talking about her sex life for the past several minutes.
“See, Sai? She did not hang up! Owned!” There was a pause. “Hey, Hinata? You wanna know a secret?”
“Okay.”
Another pause.
“‘Kay I lied, it’s two secrets! First,” He lowered his voice and attempted to whisper into the phone. “I’m drunk. Shhhhh. Don’t tell Sai. If he finds out he’s the only sober one, he’s gonna keeeeeeel us. I think he might be on to us, though.”
“Sai, you’re hot,” Lee professed in the background as if to prove Naruto’s point.
“Second, I’m a virgin. Are you a virgin Hinata?”
“Eep!” Hinata choked out.
“Yeah, being a virgin sucks,” Naruto agreed with Hinata’s sound as though it had be some profound insight, nodding sagely even though she couldn’t see it through the phone. “I wanna have sex with Sakura, but she’s never going to. But I don’t wanna die a virgin! That would be so sad! Hinata, will you have sex with me? Virgins need to stick together, right? I think-“
Beep.
Hinata pulled the phone receiver from her ear and blinked at it. Naruto had just hung up on her. She took a moment to wipe the film of sweat off of the device before setting it back down. She turned around and went straight to the bathroom where she first threw up repeatedly before removing her clothes and taking a nice long bubble bath.
~Meanwhile at the Bar~
“Holy crap, I killed Hinata!” Naruto yelled. He then proceeded to scream Hinata’s name repeatedly into the silent phone.
“I think you just pressed the ‘end’ button with your cheek by mistake,” Sai explained, trying to talk around Lee who had suddenly decided Sai was a sexy beast and was presently sitting in his lap hitting on him in every way he could.
“What!?” Naruto exclaimed. “But I wanted to have sex with her…”
“You can have sex with her tomorrow,” Sai assured him. “Right now you are too drunk.”
“But tomorrow I’ll forget!” Then something occurred to him. “Whoa! You knew I was drunk! How’d you guess?”
And with that Sai dragged his two companions out the door as Naruto scribbled on his hand, “Note to self: Fuck Hinata.”